Can’t miss what you never had

Kita wrote a post the other day about how one handles death. I commented that I handle it based on how close a person was/is to me. I guess it just hurts more when it’s someone you’re close to.

I’m sure many of you don’t know that my Dad, who raised me is not my biological dad. He and my mom have been together since I was 5 and he is the only Dad I know. I couldn’t even ask for a better father so I feel REALLY blessed to have my Pops in my life.

My bio dad was more interested in drugs and running the street to take care of his family. When I was 5 he stole my uncles car on christmas eve that was filled with gifts for my sisters and I. We woke up the next morning to no gifts. I learned very early on that christmas wasn’t about the presents, but about family and giving. My bio dad has been dead to me ever since that day.

The day after my birthday a few weeks ago, my oldest sister told me that my bio dad has passed away. He is not the father of my oldest 2 sisters. I guess my mom was sad about it because although I don’t remember anything positive about him, at some point, he was a good guy to her. Good enough for her to procreate with twice. I only remember him being not so nice to me. Watching him fight with my oldest sister and treating her bad and treating my other 2 sisters well. My sister who is a year and 8 months older than me, who was also his child, he treated like a princess. When he was out in the world, living THAT life, he would pop back in every now and again, making promises to my sister and I,  ALWAYS break them. I lost all respect for him.

When my sister told me he passed, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t upset. I felt. . . nothing. My mom was convinced that I was just holding in my emotions but I had to assure her several times that I was not. I had to remind her about that christmas he ruined when I was 5. I told her he’s been dead to me since then. She laughed, I didn’t.

You see, when it comes to things like this, you can’t miss what you never had. He was a diabetic drug addict and he won’t be missed. Not by me at least. My sister Toni, she felt some kind of way about it. I think she remembered good things about him. So on thanksgiving, she cried like a baby about the loss. I hugged her, felt sad for her, but I did not feel the same pain she was feeling.

She later told me felt guilty about never having a relationship with him. I had to make sure she understood that him living THAT life was not our fault. His lack of relationship with us was all on him.

So, I still have no tears for him. I still have no feelings for him except one. I am appreciative to him for his contribution in creating me. Without him, there would be no me. So for that, I thank him. I do hope he rests in peace. But, I can’t miss what I never had.

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8 thoughts on “Can’t miss what you never had

  1. Deep post, although I DO feel you. I’ve always felt like step-dads and step- moms don’t get the credit they truly deserve in life. My aunt and grandmother are step-moms to my sister and I. So not too many understand the amount of unconditional love we’ve been provided by these two women. At the same time, it doesn’t take away from the love of our bio mom…but it’s still real. I think sometimes we do miss what we never had, cause some of us always wanted certain things in our heart. I really enjoyed your post Krissy. It provides insight into how and why you are as strong as you are. Much respect.

  2. It’s incredible how the hurt we’re caused as children can really stay with us. I talk to my husband about the things we each experienced as children good and bad at the hands of adults. With the bad we’ve found it makes us want to strive to be better for our daughter. I appreciate you sharing your experience.

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