The way God works

See, I’m not a very religious person. I believe that there is a higher power ( God) and that my God and I have a personal relationship that doesn’t rely on me reading the bible or sitting inside a church building. I pray everyday. I make sure to thank God for all of my blessings and for being my “shoulder” when I’m in my feelings and feel like no one else in the world would understand, I know God does.

Yesterday after I posted about SD being ordered to pay child support I sat and thought about what that means. When Teresha asked what if he wanted to see her, my mind went a million miles a minute. I don’t know how I would react to that although I don’t think I’ll have to figure it out at any point at all. I really don’t think he’s looking to meet Jas or ANY of the children he obviously has that he probably hasn’t met either. I told y’all I’m not joining the club with the other women who are trying to hunt him down for support. They’re probably all banded together with pitch forks and fire ready to murk him. I’m not with that. I don’t care enough about him, I actually don’t care at all.

So last night for some reason as tired as I was, I couldn’t fall asleep. I was up past 11:30pm and I decided to turn on Iyanla Vanzant “Fix my life”. On the show, there was a man on there who was not speaking to his family because his mom waited 23 years to tell him that the man who raised him wasn’t his father. He hated his mother for or it and she was upset with him for seeking out a man who had run away from the situation.

I say there watching that show and I cried. I cried until my eyes were puffy and my nose was stuffy. I cried because I never want my child to hate me because she feels like she’s been lied to about how she came to be. I always want her to know that everything I do, I do because I love and want to protect her. I would never want to ruin our relationship over a lie. I knew God made me watch that show for a purpose, it wasn’t a fluke.

I’ve decided that once she’s old enough to comprehend, We will sit down with her and explain to her how she came to be. That she was created by me and SD. That when I told SD I was pregnant he told me he couldn’t have any children and he didn’t want it. How God told me I was going to keep and have my baby and how Daddy told me it would all be okay. I want her to know that when I told Daddy that he claimed her as his own and he has always treated her that way. I want her to know that Biology does not a make a man a father. I need her to know that Love makes people family and that God places people in our lives for a reason. He never makes mistakes.

If she wants it, I’ll give her his name and whatever information I know about SD and when she’s old enough, she can go find him and get answers if she so chooses. I feel she’s enough like me that she won’t want any.

See, My biological father wasn’t in my life. He chose drugs and that lifestyle over his kids. He would make promises to take us places and do things with us and he would never show up. My heart grew so cold I hated that man for many years. At around 15 I stopped  and thought about how blessed I had been. I HAD a dad. He had been in my life since I was 5yrs old. He came into the picture with 2 kids. I was no longer the youngest, I had a brother and a little sister now. He never treated me and my sisters any different from his own 2. He never called us his “step kids”. He never made us feel unwanted and he loved us from the beginning( sounds familiar).

So slowly I let go of the hate for Bio dad and became indifferent toward him. Why care about someone who doesn’t care about me? Hopefully Jasmine adopts that same mentality and feels blessed that she’s so loved.


18 thoughts on “The way God works

  1. Touching read, Krissy. I like to refer to these kinds of situations as “What God Loves”, but it’s clearly an example of how God or Life works itself out. One of the reasons I believe in a higher power and pray to Him on the daily. In the end, I’m convinced of the fact that He is who He say He is.

    God bless you.

  2. I can’t imagine how hard this has to be. Jas will only know Daddy so hopefully she will fully understand that with all of the love around her she isn’t missing out on anything. She even has blog aunties that love her.

  3. Wow, Krissy, this was powerful! I’m proud of you for expressing such vulnerability. You’re a great mommy to Sassy J! And that daggone Iyanla had me crying, too! It was a show about broken mother-daughter relationships and it was sooo therapeutic for me! She’s got a winner with “Fix My Life.”

  4. What a great post, Kristin. I’m glad you saw the show and took the time to process and cry…although it was very hard to read the crying part. It made me want to fly to Cali and give you a big hug. And you know how I feel about hugs.

    Love you, Kristin.

  5. God made you write this! this has been a daddy drama week. I am bawling right now. No wonder we became fast friends. My dad chose drugs and women over my mom and his kids. I gave him several chances to mend fences before I let it go. I don’t hate him, that part of my heart is just a blank. Now he’s back from outer space and trying to reach out. I declined. but that’s why I as about SD, they have a way of popping up when least expected. I love the way you are handling it!

    • We did have a very strong friend connect from the start didnt we! 🙂 Our stories sound very similar. If SD every decided to contact Jasmine when she’s of age, he can do that if she is buying whatever brand of bull he may try and sell to her at the time, she will have me to lean on if it doesn’t go in her favor. God only knows what I would do if he ever hurt myself though. I never want her to be hurt by him and that is by biggest concern.

      • that would be my concern. my dad always wound up hurting me even more so I just stop putting my heart out there for him to stomp on. my mom actually tried to talk me into accepting his friend request by saying he must have changed in his old age. ha! a leopard doesnt change his spots

      • Girl! My mom always tried to make me forgive mine. She always said he wasn’t a bad guy. What’s with our moms lol

      • I get the “forgive and forget” speech all.the.time. with a side of “being bitter isn’t good for you” I’m like…I am not bitter! I don’t hate him! I just don’t care. I have zero feelings on the matter. It’s like he doesnt exist

      • that’s the exact same way I feel and he truly doesn’t exist and hasn’t in quite some time. I don’t feel any kind of way about it anymore.

  6. My heart goes out to you and Jas! You are a wonderful mommy to a beautiful child, and she could never hate you knowing that you always put her first and did what’s only best for her. We may have never met, I know you’re friends with Nilla :), but I have love for you just the same. You are doing the right thing, and Jas is very lucky to have you for her mom.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate them. I do everything i can to make sure Jas knows shes loved and supported. She should never feel any kind of way about that.

      Any friend of Nilla is a friend of mine!

  7. so this has me crying and sniffling at my desk. i know for a fact that when it comes time to tell Jas about sd you’ll choose the right words and she’ll understand that no matter who isn’t there, she is loved by so many and has an awesome dad. period. sidenote, you have one of the greatest dads ever. tell both of your parents i said hi!

    • yea I do hope when the time comes its not so hard on her. She has a great dad and you’re right, Mine is one of the bestest! I’ll tell them you say hi!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s