See, I’m not a very religious person. I believe that there is a higher power ( God) and that my God and I have a personal relationship that doesn’t rely on me reading the bible or sitting inside a church building. I pray everyday. I make sure to thank God for all of my blessings and for being my “shoulder” when I’m in my feelings and feel like no one else in the world would understand, I know God does.
Yesterday after I posted about SD being ordered to pay child support I sat and thought about what that means. When Teresha asked what if he wanted to see her, my mind went a million miles a minute. I don’t know how I would react to that although I don’t think I’ll have to figure it out at any point at all. I really don’t think he’s looking to meet Jas or ANY of the children he obviously has that he probably hasn’t met either. I told y’all I’m not joining the club with the other women who are trying to hunt him down for support. They’re probably all banded together with pitch forks and fire ready to murk him. I’m not with that. I don’t care enough about him, I actually don’t care at all.
So last night for some reason as tired as I was, I couldn’t fall asleep. I was up past 11:30pm and I decided to turn on Iyanla Vanzant “Fix my life”. On the show, there was a man on there who was not speaking to his family because his mom waited 23 years to tell him that the man who raised him wasn’t his father. He hated his mother for or it and she was upset with him for seeking out a man who had run away from the situation.
I say there watching that show and I cried. I cried until my eyes were puffy and my nose was stuffy. I cried because I never want my child to hate me because she feels like she’s been lied to about how she came to be. I always want her to know that everything I do, I do because I love and want to protect her. I would never want to ruin our relationship over a lie. I knew God made me watch that show for a purpose, it wasn’t a fluke.
I’ve decided that once she’s old enough to comprehend, We will sit down with her and explain to her how she came to be. That she was created by me and SD. That when I told SD I was pregnant he told me he couldn’t have any children and he didn’t want it. How God told me I was going to keep and have my baby and how Daddy told me it would all be okay. I want her to know that when I told Daddy that he claimed her as his own and he has always treated her that way. I want her to know that Biology does not a make a man a father. I need her to know that Love makes people family and that God places people in our lives for a reason. He never makes mistakes.
If she wants it, I’ll give her his name and whatever information I know about SD and when she’s old enough, she can go find him and get answers if she so chooses. I feel she’s enough like me that she won’t want any.
See, My biological father wasn’t in my life. He chose drugs and that lifestyle over his kids. He would make promises to take us places and do things with us and he would never show up. My heart grew so cold I hated that man for many years. At around 15 I stopped and thought about how blessed I had been. I HAD a dad. He had been in my life since I was 5yrs old. He came into the picture with 2 kids. I was no longer the youngest, I had a brother and a little sister now. He never treated me and my sisters any different from his own 2. He never called us his “step kids”. He never made us feel unwanted and he loved us from the beginning( sounds familiar).
So slowly I let go of the hate for Bio dad and became indifferent toward him. Why care about someone who doesn’t care about me? Hopefully Jasmine adopts that same mentality and feels blessed that she’s so loved.