The middle (wo)man

*This is kind of a long story that i wanted to shorten but needed to give all the details. That’s just a bit of a warning before you proceed however, I hope you read to the end so that you can give me some feed back. Thanks y’all!”

I have a good friend, she’s more like a little sister to me, let’s call her BB. She and I have been friends for about 9yrs. She has an awesome family that consists of 3 little sisters. Her sisters are also like sisters to me. I love them all. BB and her sisters have a weird relationship. They love each other but they fight like cats and dogs. Especially her and the sister who is a few years younger than her, we’ll call her Lele. These 2 girls fight and make up, rinse, repeat. Its ongoing. BB tells me things Lele says and does and all I can do is listen mostly because I’ve never experienced any of it 1st hand. (More on that later).  I have my own relationships with all BB and all of her sisters. All different and separate from each other.

As long as I’ve known BB she complains about being the black sheep and how her family treats her badly and they don’t care about her feelings. From being around them, I can see that she overreact a lot of the time. She tends to make a small situation much bigger by the way she handles things. Because of this her family kind of tip toes around her for fear that she’ll blow up and go off like she usually does.

BB had always been a little “different” she’s had esteem issues since we have been friends. I helped her come out of her shell a bit. Helped her find her confidence. She use to dress a like a boy, once we became friends she’s started to care more about the way she looked and took better care of herself. She’s a plus size chick, beautiful face and awesome personality. She’s a very genuine person which is why she and I have been friends so long.

6yrs ago she met a dude and they became friends. I suppose at some point they became intimate. She began claiming this dude as her man. She introduced me to him and I instantly did not like him. He didn’t act like her man. He didn’t treat her like his woman. This was all when Myspace was popular, I would see him on flirting with chicks and being a single dude. All the women he talked to, none of them plus size. I truly believe he’s not into larger chicks, At least not in public.

So BB and this dude, we’ll call him Slick, are on and off for the last 6yrs. He comes and goes. Her family doesn’t like him, they think he’s a loser. I’m inclined to agree, however I’m very supportive of her and her choice to be with him. So I’m always her shoulder and ear if she needs me.

BB’s little sister Lele just had a baby in feb. A little boy( by a guy she hadn’t been seeing long or exclusively but that’s another story). BB also just had a little baby boy in june by slick. While BB was pregnant I was annoyed. Not that she was pregnant, but that she was pregnant by slick. He’s 10yrs older than she is and has 2 children by some woman who couldn’t stand him so much that she picked up and moved from cali to ny with the kids.

BB is also good for trying to justify Slicks actions to everyone. She wants so bad for everyone to like him that she goes pretty far to convince people that he’s a great person. This all as if everyone hasn’t had a chance to assess him for themselves and form their own opinions.

A few months back I called Lele to check on her and the baby and see how she was adjusting. She sounded pretty worn out and it had only been a month. We talked about that and then the conversation turned to BB. She vented about her sister and how she didn’t think she should be with Slick. I voiced the same concerns ( which I shouldn’t have done to Lele, lesson learned) and felt better because I was also able to have someone hear my concerns. BB would never want to hear what anyone thought because she would jump defensive all over again.

Fast forward to a month or so ago. BB had her little boy and all seemed right with the world. She seemed to be in good spirits about everything. She even told me that she didn’t care much about the future of her relationship with Slick but was going to focus all of her energy on her son. That sounded awesome to me. So I told her that as long as she was happy then that is all that mattered. I told her Slick was not a factor and I am glad she realized that for herself. That all everyone wanted was for him to take care of his responsibility with their child.

The week after BB’s baby was born Lele text me randomly and asked had I seen BB’s baby. I tell her I had. Her response to that was, ” Who do you think he looks like? I don’t think he looks like anyone. ” I tell her that I think he looks just like his mother. Then she goes on to say, ” And do you know that loser already went back to his mom’s house and didn’t even bother to put the pack n play together.” To which I respond, ” I don’t think she needs the pack n play right now, he sleeps in the bed with her in his portable sleeper.” She then says some more negative things about Slick that I dismiss and not respond to.

After that conversation I had an “ah ha” moment! I knew exactly what BB meant when she said her sister would always bring up Slick in conversation and say negative things. I knew exactly what Lele was trying to do, she was trying to bait me! She wanted me to say negative things about Slick as well. I wasn’t playing that game with her. I told her he was a non factor and I meant that.

A few more weeks pass and I am at BB’s house doing her hair. She’s telling me about all the things that have been going on and the conversation flips to her sister. She was upset because Lele’s sons father had come in town for the 4th of July and he and the rest of the family went to Sea World. She was mad because they didn’t ask her if she wanted to come( her baby wasn’t 2 months old yet so I’m sure that’s why they didn’t ask her to join them) and because they have never invited Slick to hang out with them. She began to tell me how her sister text her checking on the her and the baby and then went on to ask about her relationship with Slick. I told her, ” I kinda get what you mean about Lele now.” I shouldn’t have said that but I couldn’t pull the words back once I let them slip out of my mouth. Of course now BB wants to know what I mean by that. I tried to dismiss it but she wouldn’t let it go. Knowing her the way that I do, I know that she would have thought the worst things possible and that would only fuel her distaste for her sister. So I tell her about the text conversation (D’oh!) and I explain to her that I didn’t think it was a huge deal but I do feel like Lele tries to bait people and has a negative outlook about her sister’s life.

Oh course BB got even more angry and I’m like FUCK! Why did I even say anything!? This will not end well. I told BB just to let it do and don’t go back to her sister with anything. She PROMISED to drop it and I went home for the evening.

A week later I get a text from Lele. She starts off with, ” Wow, I didn’t know you were so messy. Next time I see you don’t come smiling in my face!” I read that and I’m like WTF is she even talking about? I then hit up BB and tell her what the text said and if she knew what this was all about. As soon as I hit send on that text, Lele calls my phone GOING OFF! She’s cussing and just being very extra. I stop her in her tracks, ” 1st of all Lele, you should stop cussing at me and lower your tone. I haven’t cussed at you nor do I plan to. Now we can continue this conversation as adult women or I can have up and you can speak to tone.” She apologized and said she was just up. I told her I understood but I’m definitely not the one to speak with that way. She then started to talk like a regular chick and explain to me the situation. Here’s the story. . .

The family was on the same vacation to Palm Springs that they take every year. this year there are 2 new additions. BB asked her parents if Slick could come  so he could help her with the baby and they gave her some excuses as to why he could not. They told her maybe next time and that there would be plenty of help with the babies. BB was annoyed by this but I talked her into going on the vacation anyway. While there BB let everything bother her, she got upset over the smallest things and decided to leave and come back to LA at 2am! When she left he called her mom and told her that those small things weren’t why she was upset, she was upset about some things “Krissy told me Lele had said”. Dude! seriously! WTF! Why would she put me in that mess! So her mom tells Lele what BB has said and this is what sets Lele off. Their mom also tells BB, maybe your friends aren’t really your friends in reference to me. .  again WTF! I’m the only REAL friend BB has. And she also tells Lele, “maybe if you talk to Krissy again, just don’t tell her anything.” sooo now, their mom thinks im messy too! Seriously WTF!

Lele tells me all of this stuff and I’m like WOW! I explain to her how I felt baited and that her sister tells me all the time that she does that. Lele says she was not trying to bait me and she was sorry it came off that way ( I still think she was trying to bait me but I let her have that). She also said that she wants a real relationship with her sister and that it’s hard because BB always blows up. That they can never have a conversation. I then tell Lele that they all, the whole family needs to sit down and talk to BB, or let her talk to them. I told her that it may seem like she’s upset about small things but there are so many larger issues. She said she would talk to the fam about that and see how that goes. We got off the phone on a good note.

BB calls me as soon as that conversation is over, she tries to tell me that everything Lele just told me was untrue. ” It didn’t happen like that!” she says. At this point I don’t know who to believe nor do I care. I tell her, ” I’m not into drama and THIS is drama. I should have NEVER said anything to you about Lele. I should have kept that to myself. I do think you need to sit down and talk to your family. Even if it’s just you talking and them listening. You need to say everything that is on your mind and if you get up and walk out as soon as you’re done talking, so be it! I just think you need to get everything off your chest. They don’t know the real reasons you always seem so upset. They just think little things set you off and I know that not to be the case.” She told me she would think about it and we got off the phone.

Now, I stuff in a hard position. I ended up in the middle of some mess that I shouldn’t be in the middle of. Everyone who knows me KNOWS for fact I AM NOT messy! I am the least messy person you will ever meet. If you tell me something that’s where it ends. I won’t repeat it to anyone else, especially something important. At the time, I needed BB to know I felt where she was coming from. She always feels like no one understands. Because of this, I’m now the messy friend. I have no plans to ever visit their house again because it will be awkward even if everything has blown over. I haven’t spoken to any of them in a couple of weeks now. I don’t know if she sat down with her family or any of the follow-up details. I don’t even wanna ask. I don’t need another can of worms opened on me. I do know one thing. Family is very important to me. BB has sisters she can be close to but she’s not for whatever reason and I am constantly trying to make her see the other side of things as it relates to her family. I don’t think they are bad people. I don’t think they treat her badly. I think they just misunderstand each other and that is one of the things that she needs to figure out with them.

Do you guys think I was wrong for trying to let my friend know I understood? Am I wrong? Was I messy? Am I overreacting by saying I won’t hang out with her family anymore?

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10 thoughts on “The middle (wo)man

  1. Tough and touchy situation. I think it turned out to be a very messy situation, but I don’t think that you actions were deliberately messy. Having different friendships within one family can be tricky and loyalties can be tested often. I don’t think that you were malicious when you shared Lele’s thoughts with BB, but I think you should have kept them to yourself. If you and Lele established a rapport and common opinion regarding Slick (or whatever else), that’s between you too. As long as you aren’t talking ish behind a friend’s back, then lying to their face, it is fine to keep conversations private.

    As the others have said, I’d give the situation a little time to cool off and then reach out to both ladies.

    • That’s my thing, I don’t think I was being messy but the situation is messy in general. They just can’t seem to get along and I hate that about them because they are move alike than different. The thing is, I don’t talk to Lele often, we’ve only had 3 phone conversations in 9yrs lol. I think because we had one conversation about our distaste for slick she thought we’d do that every conversation.

  2. That’s some heavy stuff. I don’t know what to say, so I’ll share a story from personal experience. When I was in college I had a sorority sister whose real life sister also went to our university, but she she wasn’t in our sorority. They fought, made up, fought some more. The one who was my sorority sister always felt that her sister was controlling and manipulative. Me and my naive self tried to play mediator only to have the other sister twist my words. They both turned on me like I was trying to play them against each other. I learned my lesson…blood is thicker than water. In the end though they became closer. In some twisted way it was like they needed a common enemy to bring them together.

    • Maybe I’ll be their common enemy so they can get a long lol. I keep telling BB I really want her to have a relationship with her sisters because I think its important.

      • Give them some time to cool off. BB will come around, especially since you are a good friend.

  3. Ok, so let’s be honest – it was kinda messy. Not saying I don’t understand why or any of that, but it’s just true. And it’s often going to get messy when you’re in the middle of something as sensitive as a family relationship. Theirs appears to be rather fragile (understatement), so it makes it even worse. Neither one sounds like they take responsibility for their actions, so now they have you to blame for stuff instead of just each other.

    In my opinion all you can do is what you have done – apologize, acknowledge your mistake and don’t do it again. I wouldn’t stop going around, but I can say that because I’m not in the situation. I very well might. But I don’t recommend it. Continue to be friends and carry on like nothing happened. You can only control your own actions and reactions (maybe more important now), so if you truly value the friendship I’d just reach out to both individually and try to be a friend. Sounds to me like they both really need you.

    We all mess up sometimes. In family, in friendships, in love, at work. When we acknowledge that we’re wrong we take away the other person’s ability to put us on the defensive. At least give it a try.

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