I wasn’t planning on blogging about this but since it’s something that affects my life and that’s pretty much what this blog is about, and also because Bartista my little Vanilla gum drop made me realize that releasing things into the universe is healing, I decided to write about it.
You all know I’m a single mother. Some of you may have even read the letter I wrote to Sperm Donor at the start of the year. After I wrote that letter I released everything. I didn’t care about anything involving him and more so, I didn’t care if he met Jasmine at that point. I was completely done. I filed a claim for child support, and though I knew it would not have been more than pennies, Jasmine deserved to have some financial support from both people who helped create her.
I filed this past January and hadn’t heard a single word about it since. I kept having to call and try to get an update on the case status and the results were always the same, no new news. On Monday, I received a call from an “unknown number” so of course I let it go to voicemail. When I checked the message it was from a worker assigned to my child support case calling me with some information and asking me to call her back. I called back and she said she was my new case worker and she had good news and bad new you know that’s never a good sign. So she began with, ” Sperm donor has SEVERAL cases against him right now. ” I said, ” wait. . . what? did you say “SEVERAL”? ” She replied, ” yes I did.” The only word I could get out of my mouth next was , “WOW!” . Then she went on to explain to me that the county messed up my paper work. Had my last name and Jasmine’s name spelled wrong and they also served him incorrectly. So they had to start from SCRATCH! I was pissed! This also meant that I would bet almost $200 less than that had previous assessed. The good news she said, was that when all was said and done, he’d have to make up payments from this past April.
Mind you, the money isn’t the issue here. The issue is that I have been going through this process for nearly a year with no progress and now they have to start over! And of course the other issue is, how huge of a fucking liar Sperm Donor is. Like seriously, what man lies about having kids? Like how can you have SEVERAL open child support cases? How many kids are you actually running from? I really wanted to drive to where he lives and beat the shit out of him. I was really tempted to do it. But what would that solve, when all was said and done I wouldn’t feel any better. And to make matters worse, one of these days, I’m going to have to explain this to Jasmine. I am going to have to tell her that Sperm Donor couldn’t handle the responsibility of being anyone’s father ( obviously) that he chose not to be involved. I have to watch my child have her feelings hurt by someone who isn’t worth a single emotion from her. But I know it’s inevitable and that’s what hurts me the most.
So Monday I did a lot of thinking and a lot of being angry and a lot of crying. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. I know it takes so much energy to hate someone, and I hate that I hate him, but I just think about how this is going to affect my child in the future and I hate him in advance for her.
The past year has been filled with more ups than downs which is why you guys don’t see me write much negative stuff. I’m raising a happy, healthy, smart beautiful little girl and that is something I can always take pride in. She smiles at me and hugs me and smooches me and I know I am doing a great job. I have a very large support system consisting of family and awesome friends. She has great positive male role models. She has my Dad, her pops who she loves dearly. She has a great GodFather. She has uncles and most of all, my Boyfriend has been with me since before I even knew I was pregnant with her. He staked his claim on her before she was even born. He told me often that she was HIS baby. And to this day that still makes me teary. She calls him daddy and she loves him to death. She gets excited just to talk to him on the phone. Their relationship makes me so happy to think about it makes me smile and see those cartoon hearts floating around my head. Jasmine is surrounded by so much love its ridiculous!
Boyfriend and I had a talk a few weeks ago about what WE were going to tell her when she got older. He wanted to know if we were even going to tell her about Sperm Donor. I told him that when the time was right and when she could fully understand I would tell her. And I would tell her the truth. His concern was the same as mine, how hurt she might be by this. But he also said that she would always know that he was her Daddy and he was never going to leave her. *tear*
Sperm Donor was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. Like “knowing”( because its obviously I didn’t know his lying ass at all!) him and even being involved with him was just a mistake. But I wouldn’t take it back because Jasmine wouldn’t be with me now. And I truly feel that she was put on this earth to be with me. She and I are meant to be and that’s what matters most.