The Musings of Me

I know it’s been awhile since my last post and I probably won’t catch up with updates until next month sometime when I’m back to work. But I just wanted to update the world! I had my little girl! Jasmine Michelle was born Oct 30th 2009 at 1:08am. She weighed in at 7lbs 11oz and was 20.5 inches. She was 4 weeks early and my labor and delivery was very hard. Needless to say she’ll probably be my only child lol. I don’t think I’d put myself through labor and delivery again on purpose lol.

Let me share a few pics of my new baby before I go, she’s beautiful!

Why is it that family members feel that they can be the ones to judge you so harshly? Why is it that they feel they are entitled to say whatever they’d like without any backlash what so ever? Then when things change or people are upset with them they wonder why and become the victim. I really don’t get it.

sorry, just ranting.

I saw this on a few blogs and thought it was pretty cool to just lay it all out there for everyone to see *wavin at whomever is reading* lol. So here are a few honestly random facts about Ms.Krissy. . .

People who know me now would never guess that I wasn’t always this confident and that I suffered threw years of depression. Even at one point contemplated ending my life( I was like 13). Then something clicked in my brain about 3 years later when I turned 16 and I finally felt good about myself and have felt that way ever since.

I lost my virginity when I was 19. I wasn’t ready for it at all. It didn’t feel good. My old ass boyfriend at the time went to town on me. I felt like Miss Ciely from the color purple when she said it felt like Mister was going to the toilet on her.  I think my wack ass ex was used to hoochies and what not that had little to no feeling in that area and wasn’t used to messing with virgins.

After I broke up with above mentioned ex I didn’t have sex again for 4 years. Celibate by choice ( and with good reason) now I can’t get enough of it, go figure!

I used to be a really big girl. I wore a size 24-26. I’ve since “slimmed down” to a size 14 and I love this size a lot.

When I was 17 I was dating a boy whose bestfriend was kinda dating my bestfriend at the time. He called and told her one day that he didn’t really want to be with me. I was TOO BIG for him but I had a pretty face and he just wanted to have sex with me. Ol douche bag negro saw me some years later and tried to holla at me because I had “Changed”. I made sure I told him, ” Oh I think I’m too big for you, it would never work between us.”

While I’m not scared of death or dying, I’m scared to death of my mother dying. I’ve had a dream or 2 about her passing and I completely lost my mind. Woke up actually crying about it.  So I pray on that daily that she lives a long healthy life because selfishly I don’t think I could take her not being around.

I’ve always had my life planned out and how I wanted things to turn out. Since I was little it’s been written down. I even had names of my future children planned.( funny that my baby’s name wasn’t even on that list, how things change lol)

When I told the father of my child that we were going to be parents in a few months his 1st response was, ” How did that happen” and at that moment, I hated him!

I used to wear nothing but dark colors, now you can’t get me to buy black unless its an accent to something bright. When I popped out of my shell I REALLY popped. I want everyone to see me now lol

I have an associates degree in psychology and I only have 2 semester to go before I can get a higher degree in that same field. Makes me upset every time I think about how close I am to it. And I got this far without any loans or financing. Did it all on my own. At least that part makes me proud.

I used to only date older men because when I was bigger I THOUGHT they were the only ones checking for me. So I was always dating guys 10+ years older than I was. And while I felt admired, I never felt comfortable with them.

I’ve been doing hair unlicensed for that past 10 years. I always get asked why I never went to school for it and why I don’t open my own shop. Truth is, I don’t really like doing hair that much, I just was doing it as a means to pay for school. I still do it on the side now for extra cash, but i’m very selective about whose hair i’ll do. People think because you do it at home, they don’t have to pay what you ask of them. That’s Negros for u.

I lived with my parents until I was 25. Although I worked and was independent of their money, I even paid them rent, I didn’t move out until 25. And since Ive been out of their house, I’ll do everything in my power to stay living on my own. There’s nothing like it.

I’ve been in love 3 times in my life. Once at 17, then at 24 and now at 28.

I dated a guy for 3 years who was living a double life. He was dating me here in cali and was also seeing some chick in NY for a year and a half of our relationship. When questioned about why he didn’t just break up with me when a year and a half later he found someone else, his reasoning was that he didn’t wanna hurt me *blank stare* Like finding out by the other chick calling me after I had finally broke up with him because she was snooping threw his e-mails was gonna hurt much less (reference ” The Hurt” for a poem about that craptasticness)

I’m terrified of the pain that’s gonna come with delivering this child. Like I’m scared I won’t be able to do it. As happy as I am otherwise, that’s the part that scares me the most.

I’ve come to realize that I wasn’t in love with the father of my baby. After I broke up with him, I felt nothing. No regret, no remorse, no what ifs. I felt nothing. Even right now, we’re gonna be co-parents and I feel nothing for the man. I guess that makes me feel some sorta way because I can’t even say my baby was created out of love. She was created because the damn latex broke!

I have an open distaste for white people or just “others” period who “Act black”. I hate when they speak with slang and wear clothes that are “For us by us”. I hate when they act like they know what it is to struggle like black folks have. And What I hate most is that black people have made that acceptable.  They get upset with us in front of “others” and no black folks around we’d still be niggers in their eyes, at least for a moment.

My grandfather was ran off cotton picking plantation down south and away from his family at 15 because the white bosses son thought he could just pick on him daily. He did for awhile until grandaddy couldn’t take it any longer. He beat the shit out of that white kid and had to leave the state before they found him and hung him. This story leads to my distaste for white folks in general. But if it wasn’t for that, he’d never have met my granny and my family wouldn’t exists. So thank you and fuck you every much white man!

I’ve met some wonderful people on the internet over the years. One has become one of my bestfriend and we hang out all the time. Others I have never met but love them to death! Being online has actually contributed to shaping me into the woman I am today. I guess mostly because on the net you can be who you want to be, and for me, I choose to be completely myself. Come to find out, being me is an awesome thing. Much easier than being someone else.

I’ve never in my life been attracted to a man who wasn’t black. I don’t find pale skin sexy and the thought of pink penis kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little.  I’ve been called closed minded because of this, but I just think it’s my preference and I like what I like and pink junk ain’t it!

ok that’s it for now with the randomness. My mind just went blank. Probably because it’s almost time to go home for the day! YES!

Peace!

so as we know by now from reading this here blog, I’m gonna have a baby. A little girl to be exact * smiles at the thought as she presses her feet under my boobs lmao* so it’s not secret and with this belly, it couldn’t be even if I wanted it to *shakes fists in anger*. But what I’m really writing about right now is the man in my life. He’s not my child’s father. I started seeing him a few months after I broke up with pops-to-be and it was all lovely. I’ve known this dude for at least 7 years and have always felt some kinda way about him we just never spoke on it. We’d have a good time when we were together, not talk for awhile for no particular reason and then we’d reconnect and it was like we never lost contact to begin with. Well when I found out about Jasmine, I told him 1st thing. I didn’t want to keep it a secret and I also didn’t know how he’d take finding out the woman he was dating was having a child by another man. So I explained the situation to him. How I had been pregnant the past few months but didn’t know because I had 2 test preformed on me and both were negative. And with the last one, the doc told me to just wait it out, maybe I was stressed and my cycle would resume. It never did. I got tired of waiting. So I went to the a different doc. Had some test preformed and there, she confirmed that I was already 21 weeks preg. Great! FML! Or at least that’s how I was feeling at the time. So he comforts me. He says, “things will work out, and don’t worry, just go buy some baby clothes and stop crying like a lil bitch!” which cracked me up and made me feel so much better. He also told me later that day, ” You know, this doesn’t change the way I feel about you or us, nothing will. You are too good of a woman and such a great catch I’d be a dummy to let you walk away.” *swoon* and guess what, he’s been around and doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere. Gotta love that. And he comes over and makes me feel wonderful And rubs and kisses my belly *smiling at the thought*. All in all, the man is wonderful and I am truly blessed.

I didn’t move on from anything in particular, I moved on to my own place. I’ve been roommates with my best friend for almost 4 years now. We’ve lived in 2 different apartments and the experience was lovely. We get along so well that living together as long as we have was never a problem. I know other people go into roommate situations and come out of them no longer friends. I think if anything our friendship is even stronger because we’ve had this experience.

I moved to a new city into a new place and I love it being just me ( at least for now) . The building is quiet and I promise I get the best sleep there. I never want to get up for work in the mornings. It’s pretty awesome. Like when I come home from work, the 1st thing I think is, ” this is mine”. and It makes me feel some sorta way. I’ve even had my 1st “sleep over” last weekend. That was also awesome. Waking up with someone all snuggled up next to you is never a bad thing. But when he was gone I didn’t feel lonely, being in my own place still felt awesome.  I plan on being in this place at least 2 years then it’s on to bigger things. Maybe a house. Who knows. But this is preparing me for whatever comes next and I’m lovin’ it.

Let me tell you something that irks me! I read a lot of blogs from normal folks. I love doing this and I always have. I find it entertaining. What I hate about a lot of blogs is you click them open and some loud ass music pops on and you can’t figure out where the shit is coming from. People, when I’m reading blogs I’m at work, in an office, that is quiet until the very second your bullshit music comes on and has everyone in here looking at me. Then I frantically try and close the page because I can’t find the music player on your got damn blog. Why do you people do that? Why can’t you put the music player on there and if I CHOOSE to press play I will and If I choose not to I won’t. Be considerate damnit and stop trying to get me fired for being on the Internet at work! sheesh!

That is all. . . (exhale)

I really hope the next couple of months go by so quickly I don’t even have time to remember them. I’m so good on pregnancy hormones already. I’m tired of feeling like I want to cry for no good reason as well. I’m just plain ol tired. And it’s not the babies fault( it really is but don’t tell her I said it) I’m just a jumble of emotions at the moment and I’m not liking it at all.

On the plus side, I love that Jasmine already responds to me when I talk to her. She kicks like a soccer player which I could really do without but if she wasn’t kicking up a storm I’d be worried she wasn’t okay. It’s so funny how quickly you can fall in love with someone you’ve never met. I wish she was done baking so I could just see her little face.

In other news I’ll be moving this weekend AGAIN but this will be the last time for a long time(2years at least) for us. Then of course jasmine will need her own space. But for now we can share lol.

Lemme get back to work now. . . I do don’t wanna be here!

Something very exciting yet unexpected is happening to me. In just a few months time, I’m gonna be a mommy for the 1st time. I had a mix of emotions at 1st. I didn’t think the timing was right. I wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be in my life. I wasn’t married and at the moment I’m single ( yet loving it) so yea, the timing was all off.  And I thought about not keeping the little life because it didn’t go with the plan, but now that it’s growing, I can’t wait to see it’s face. It moves around in there and lets me know its there. I know when it’s hungry because I sure don’t eat much to begin with, sorry little baby, I’m working on it. And when it kicks me, its the strangest feeling. I’m just really blessed to have a very strong support system which includes family and friends. They love me so much and they are so extra excited about baby. They are already lined up to babysit( which I find too funny). And the father, we aren’t together anymore but I know he’s gonna be a great father to this baby. I knew he’d be a great father period when we started dating and that’s something that drew me to him in the 1st place. I’ve moved on and away from him, but now because of this, we’ll always be connected. If I wasn’t ready before, I guess I need to get ready. Nov is just around the corner and baby will be here( hopefully looking just as fly as its mommy lol).

I hate him! I truly do. I’m so glad it’s over. I’m glad I don’t have to see him again. Possibly in passing but never on purpose and that’s a great thing. I loved him with all I had and he just played the role of someone who loved me in return. I cried my tears and I’m over it all. But he’s a jackass and I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. All these months wasted on someone and I could have been enjoying my single life all along. Or at least spending my time on someone who was worth my while forreal. His change was so swift I didn’t see it coming. He went from someone who had it together to someone who didn’t have shit. And I stayed. I stayed because I wasn’t with him for what he had or what he could give me or do for me. I was with him because for that short amount of time, he made me happier than I had ever been. But that ended quickly too. And I stayed. I stayed because I figured it was just a phase and we could get back to being us like we were from the start. That never happened. I stayed, until I couldn’t take anymore.  Then I was gone. And a thousand pounds seemed to lift from my shoulders. And the skies cleared up. And the tears dried.  And the feelings of inadequacy dissipated. And I was left being me all over again. Another lesson learned the hard way. But for me, those are always the best lessons. I’m done with this chapter. Time to start a new one.

Rest in Peace M.J